reading How to Talk to Anyone. although can I just say... the book seems to be designed to turn you into a people magnet, propelled to the top rungs of business and society by your mesmerized fans. or: it's got such a very strong western capitalist assumption there.
I do not want to be a business mogol or a pop idol of any kind. the very idea of throngs of people giving me their undivided attention and wanting to be as near to me as possible is enough to make me break into a cold sweat. no, no, no. I just want to be left alone. I'd like to be able to talk to people in such a way that conveys my interest in them as individuals, my validation of them so to speak, but clearly and politely defines my personal boundaries, and leaves us both feeling okay about that. does that make sense?
I don't want to meet loads and loads of people and surround myself with these new friends. I don't have that kind of energy--- I am an introvert, and draw energy from my (infrequent but precious) quiet times alone. crowds drain me, even crowds of friends, and how in the world would I ever be able to keep all the birthdays straight or who's interested in what? What I want is to be able to better relate to the people I *already* come into contact with, at the supermarket or on the airplane or whatever, the people that I'll probably never see again. I'd like there to be less awkward pauses and unfortunate misunderstandings.
Hell, I know that if you stand up straight and look people in the eye, etc, that helps. But I'd especially like to know how, when I'm so rundown and world-weary and would like nothing else better than to go back to bed but I have to buy diapers because we are completely out, when I can't possibly stand up straighter and there is no way I'm going to go around all chipper with a big 50s grin on my face and look everyone in the eye, how I could still manage to come across as just a tired person and not, as often seems to be the case, an addict or purposefully rude.
the book is obviously meant to cater to the aspiring socialite, but there do seem to be ideas in the book that I can use to my purpose. I esp like the idea of the whatzit. and I'm only 40 or so pages in, so I have hope. I guess maybe I'm reacting a bit because it seems part of the American cultural expectations for everyone to want to be the center of attention with large personal social networks (aka, an aspiring socialite) (esp women), and if you don't fit that, then there is something wrong with you. makes me feel a bit grumpy about the whole situation lol.
I need a book with mostly the same ideas, but presented in a different style. maybe: how an introvert can survive in an extroverted world. no, wait, I have a better title: Oh, Extroverted World!
When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.
page 273, How to Talk to Anyone, Leil Lowndes
ok, I have to backtrack here. there is an inescapable mindset to this book, and it's more than culture-expects-you-to-be-aspiring-socialite-extrovert.
it is culture-expects-you-to-be-pitiless-mercenary-tyrant.
so, you've made it to the party... is anything moving? WIPE IT OUT!!!
apparently all is fair in love and war, and that's all we are interested in anyway. everything is undercover, or forceful, or powerful, or strategic, or treacherous... you're scrutinizing the prospects, or tracking "the tiniest details of your conversation partners' lives." the idioms are all about grenades, bombs, artillery, weaponry, police chases, hunting, archery, heroes, jungles, giant jungle cats, claws, fangs, swords, criminal trials, etc, etc, etc, and let's not forget... The Great Scorecard in the Sky.
The penalty for not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently. (p. 339)
and there are just too many eyeball references. not just eyes, or looking, or paying attention, or noticing, or gazing, (although plenty of what I would consider to be outright staring)... but eyeBalls and eyeballing. who talks about eyeballs that much? makes me think of how people put giant eyeballs in a movie (especially a close-up with freaky looking lashes) to make it scary or intense.
together with all the other imagery, I start to wonder if the woman is from Mordor.
seriously.
I didn't really learn anything new, but then again, I was already perfectly familiar with the rules of being an evil overlord. there are some good tips in there, mostly about appearing to be polite even when you are using someone for your own purposes, but I'm going to give her points for at least halfway encouraging common decency, even if it is as a deceptive ploy.
but then she turns right around and advocates lying to people in numerous ways, or pretending to befriend them so you can use them to do favors for you. I mean, the woman advocates acting like a politician lol. and the stories she tells about her "friends" in the book... geez, her concept of friend is not the same as mine! if anyone said things like that about me in a public venue, I would relieve them of said "friend" status once and for all. that is not how you treat a friend. (Now to illustrate how NOT to act in a certain situation, take the instance where my friend Jill completely flubbed up the most important corporate deal of her career. While I will not actually let Jill know where she made her mistakes, I will regale you with every embarassing detail...)
man, if I didn't already want to be a tree, this would more than do it.
>tangentThe 48 Laws of Power by Brian Greene. it is a historical perspective, looking at how people gained, lost, or used power, with stories. it is not saying that you should copy any of their ploys, however; it is just a review of sorts. >tangent<
not to deal too harshly with the author, she comes by it honestly. it seems everything in American culture is set up as some kind of fight or debate or opposing duality (black/white, beautiful/ugly, righteous/villanous) duking it out. recommended reading on the subject: The Argument Culture, Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. she also had an article about Fighting For Our Lives in Anthropology 06/07.
I *do* like the idea of the whatsit. and I do know that using "you" and "we" in certain ways does help relations. and I know that parroting works, if only because I knew someone who parroted in every single conversation we ever had. (I also know that that gets old ReaL quick, and you'll have to do better than that eventually! lol)
ah, I'm probably just old and jaded. that's my problem.
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